I’m so scared. I don’t know what the fuck to do with my life. I kind of hate it. The only real thing I love doing is drinking Diet Coke. When I drink a Diet Coke I just feel empowered. As I feel it swish around in my mouth and the bubbles go down my esophagus and move into my stomach it into— gosh I don’t know where the hell it’s going after that. I just get this rush of energy. It’s really the only time I am OK with living though. I guess that goes to show you how much I love my flavored drinks. But after that I don’t give a shit about life. I don’t know if I want to even be in it much anymore. I’m 25 and I really don’t have anyone to live for anymore. Maybe I’m just blabbing and I don’t mean anything I’m saying right now but I just want some change in my life. I want to move on and do other things. I mean I’m really fascinated with what goes on after you’re dead. I really want to die and then come back to life and tell everyone what it’s about. What if we had a chance where we could stab ourselves and then visit hell or heaven. You could then come back and have something to look forward to. OR maybe not look forward too. Imagine if you were the only one who really knew what it was like to live in hell or heaven. I imagine Heaven being like a huge party. Like there’s a party up there there’s constant babes running around everywhere, there’s constant money floating everywhere, you can go and buy whatever you want whenever you want— it’s the best. And like what if you had the ability in heaven to have like superpowers you know like what if you could just imagine something.. Kind of like Green Lantern’s ring but you just imagine yourself having a motorcycle and then ride that motorcycle like right there and then. Or and airplane or some nice pair of cowboy boots. How cool would that be?
Yup! Yup! It was that guy! Right there. With the cut off shirt. You see him? Well he’s right there! Oh right? There’s a lot of guys with cut offs. Well I’m talking about the guy with the but off and the white hat. Jesus bis it national cut off and white hat wearing day? Okay the guy with the Black cut off, white hat and he’s black. I didn’t want to say it. Yes, yes he’s black! I’m not trying to get anyone in trouble. No I’m not a tattle tail! No I’m not racist! It’s just that I don’t think he paid to get in. I just don’t think it’s fair. I’m here inside this gym because I pay 58 bucks a month out of my hard earn cash. I didn’t make that money out of thin air. I didn’t just grab that money from the tree. No! I earned it. I work a shit job serving on college kids all day. I work my ass off. Then I see this criminal come in here and sneak into a gym that I pay good money to be a part of. So yes, I guess I am a tattle tail. I’m not a racist though. No fucking way am I a racist. I have so many black friends. I can be one of them. Yo yo yo yo. (He starts to try and be gangster, inspiration Jesse Pinkman from breaking bad) Yo Yo Mr. Black. I think you need to leave. I think you need to pay for the things you have. I have this gym membership because I pay for this gym membership. I didn’t take from anyone. I didn’t just walk through that door and use this gym. No yo. (Goes back into being a white guy) I paid for this fucking key fab thingy to allow me access into this gym. I’m paying my dues! I’m fucking sick of all you stealing con artist coming in here day after day without paying your dues. It’s not fucking fair to the rest of us! No! No I’m not settling down. I think this is absolute bullshit. It’s bull shit! Why do I have to work hard and play by the rules while everyone else just slides on by? Fine! Fuck it! This isn’t worth my energy. Now I’m spending all my energy that I could have speeded on my fucking workout on this stupid fucking stealing little nigger. Okay, you’re not little. I didn’t mean that. I apologize. I didn’t mean to say say that. I just. I uh….. No no my bad. I didn’t mean to say that. I’m sorry. I understand that was out of line. You know what? I’ll leave. I’ll leave. I’m leaving. You see? I’m leaving. You don’t have to tell me twice. I am leaving!
Mary and I have been together for very long time. And I love her I do. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman, she has a beautiful personality, she’s smart, she knows me better then anyone but I’ve never been with anybody else in my life. She was my first and only love. All throughout high school though I couldn’t help myself wondering what it be like to be with somebody else. I’m I’m I’m guilty of it. I look at other women, I do. And I feel really bad for it. But for the first time in my life I can fantasize about being with other woman and not feeling bad. And maybe even act on that fantasy!! I mean Mary and I.. We’ve had some good times….. Our sex life… Was okay. it wasn’t great but she was okay. I mean I’ve got nothing else to base it off of I guess—- you know? I thought sex was going to be this like amazing incredible life-changing thing and Mary and I we waited for a year and a half before we ever even thought about having sex and then we did it and it was just Like okay. That’s sex. That’s it. Yup. It’s good but it didn’t feel REALLY GOOD. And that’s what I’m looking for!!! I want to find that really good sex, you know? That sex that’s so good that it’s like a drug that is hard to quit. That can’t stop thinking about kind of drug. I want that sex that same-feeling that you feel when you watch a good porn video… I want that sex. And I think that’s why I’m so excited right now because now for the first time in my life I could go get that kind of sex.