Mens Monologue (Impression of Woody Allen)

Tattle-tail monologue

  1. Yup! Yup! It was that guy! Right there. With the cut off shirt. You see him? Well he’s right there! Oh right? There’s a lot of guys with cut offs. Well I’m talking about the guy with the but off and the white hat. Jesus bis it national cut off and white hat wearing day? Okay the guy with the Black cut off, white hat and he’s black. I didn’t want to say it. Yes, yes he’s black! I’m not trying to get anyone in trouble. No I’m not a tattle tail! No I’m not racist! It’s just that I don’t think he paid to get in. I just don’t think it’s fair. I’m here inside this gym because I pay 58 bucks a month out of my hard earn cash. I didn’t make that money out of thin air. I didn’t just grab that money from the tree. No! I earned it. I work a shit job serving on college kids all day. I work my ass off. Then I see this criminal come in here and sneak into a gym that I pay good money to be a part of. So yes, I guess I am a tattle tail. I’m not a racist though. No fucking way am I a racist. I have so many black friends. I can be one of them. Yo yo yo yo. (He starts to try and be gangster, inspiration Jesse Pinkman from breaking bad) Yo Yo Mr. Black. I think you need to leave. I think you need to pay for the things you have. I have this gym membership because I pay for this gym membership. I didn’t take from anyone. I didn’t just walk through that door and use this gym. No yo. (Goes back into being a white guy) I paid for this fucking key fab thingy to allow me access into this gym. I’m paying my dues! I’m fucking sick of all you stealing con artist coming in here day after day without paying your dues. It’s not fucking fair to the rest of us! No! No I’m not settling down. I think this is absolute bullshit. It’s bull shit! Why do I have to work hard and play by the rules while everyone else just slides on by? Fine! Fuck it! This isn’t worth my energy. Now I’m spending all my energy that I could have speeded on my fucking workout on this stupid fucking stealing little nigger. Okay, you’re not little. I didn’t mean that. I apologize. I didn’t mean to say say that. I just. I uh….. No no my bad. I didn’t mean to say that. I’m sorry. I understand that was out of line. You know what? I’ll leave. I’ll leave. I’m leaving. You see? I’m leaving. You don’t have to tell me twice. I am leaving! 

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