Male monologue (one man show) 

Male Monologue 30’s

Has a Jon Cryer look

Driving down the street
(Staring into the rearview mirror for the majority of the time)
Please please get off my back, I swear to God. I will take a soldering iron and stab you through the temple six times. I’m not joking I will fucking kill you. You’ve been on my rear end since 5th street and Broadway. Seriously! Get! The! Fuck! Off!! Okay okay. Calm down Timothy Grant Turner. You’ve got to be kidding me. And my not going fast enough for you? Really? I feel like I’m going fast enough for you. The speed limit 35 I’m going 50. OK now OK now. You are just really getting on my nerves. I’m not going any faster. I don’t know if you know this, But I am already on supervision. I’m not going to jail just for you just because you want to drive faster. Just because you need to get to somewhere. Just because you took too much time whacking off or doing God what else instead of taking the mindful decision to leave earlier to get to your destination. (he looks forward and slams on his brakes) Holy my oh god Apple pie. (The car behind him rear ends him). Great great. See what you’ve done? See!! I’m gonna give this guy piece of my mind I swear to Gah. Is that Barbara Streisand? (She gets out of the car and she’s crying. ) Uhhhhhhhh . Ma’am. I mean Miss Streisand it’s okay. You don’t have to worry. Everything is going to be okay.

Mens Monologue (Impression of Woody Allen)

Tattle-tail monologue

  1. Yup! Yup! It was that guy! Right there. With the cut off shirt. You see him? Well he’s right there! Oh right? There’s a lot of guys with cut offs. Well I’m talking about the guy with the but off and the white hat. Jesus bis it national cut off and white hat wearing day? Okay the guy with the Black cut off, white hat and he’s black. I didn’t want to say it. Yes, yes he’s black! I’m not trying to get anyone in trouble. No I’m not a tattle tail! No I’m not racist! It’s just that I don’t think he paid to get in. I just don’t think it’s fair. I’m here inside this gym because I pay 58 bucks a month out of my hard earn cash. I didn’t make that money out of thin air. I didn’t just grab that money from the tree. No! I earned it. I work a shit job serving on college kids all day. I work my ass off. Then I see this criminal come in here and sneak into a gym that I pay good money to be a part of. So yes, I guess I am a tattle tail. I’m not a racist though. No fucking way am I a racist. I have so many black friends. I can be one of them. Yo yo yo yo. (He starts to try and be gangster, inspiration Jesse Pinkman from breaking bad) Yo Yo Mr. Black. I think you need to leave. I think you need to pay for the things you have. I have this gym membership because I pay for this gym membership. I didn’t take from anyone. I didn’t just walk through that door and use this gym. No yo. (Goes back into being a white guy) I paid for this fucking key fab thingy to allow me access into this gym. I’m paying my dues! I’m fucking sick of all you stealing con artist coming in here day after day without paying your dues. It’s not fucking fair to the rest of us! No! No I’m not settling down. I think this is absolute bullshit. It’s bull shit! Why do I have to work hard and play by the rules while everyone else just slides on by? Fine! Fuck it! This isn’t worth my energy. Now I’m spending all my energy that I could have speeded on my fucking workout on this stupid fucking stealing little nigger. Okay, you’re not little. I didn’t mean that. I apologize. I didn’t mean to say say that. I just. I uh….. No no my bad. I didn’t mean to say that. I’m sorry. I understand that was out of line. You know what? I’ll leave. I’ll leave. I’m leaving. You see? I’m leaving. You don’t have to tell me twice. I am leaving!